When we’re teenagers we can’t wait to grow up. Then we move out and realize—being an adult is hard. Then we think how we can’t wait to be even older so the hard stuff can stop being hard. Then we get older and wish we were young again. Aging is something we all do and all think about at some point in our lives, but is one of the aspects of our bodies we have no control over.
This week on “Take Care,” Gina Barreca talks about the dreaded process of aging, and why it shouldn’t be so dreaded.Barreca is a professor of English and feminist theory at the University of Connecticut, a columnist for the Hartford Courant, has appeared on The Today Show, CNN, NPR and Oprah to discuss gender, power, politics, and humor. She is the author of “They Used to Call Me Snow White But I Drifted: Women’s Strategic Use of Humor” and "If You Lean In, Will Men Just Look Down Your Blouse?"
Aging may just be a five-letter word, but it can have a different meaning for men and women. As men age, Barreca compares them to a silverback gorilla—seen as strong and wise. But as women age it’s almost as if they lose some of their strength in the world, and become an invisible quiet woman knitting in the corner, says Barreca.
“There’s no equivalent to the silverback gorilla for the older woman,” Barreca said.
However, women may be starting to change this perspective. Barreca herself is 59 years old, and says she “doesn’t intend to go gently into that good night.”
But although the perspective may be changing, it doesn’t alter the fact that women tend to obsess about their age as they get older, and try to “mask” it.
“I think that one of the things we need to sort of do is to remove the mask, and as if we’re all hiding behind something,” Barreca said.
In fact, when Barreca givestalks around the country, one of the first things she does is tell the audience her age and weight.
“Otherwise, the most enlightened [women] spend their time trying to guess other women’s age and weight like we’re at a game at a state fair, where we’ll win a teddy bear if we get closest,” Barreca said.
The comparisons women make between themselves and others’ age may even be what makes aging seem like a dreaded thing.
“We have to start to realize that we’re in this together, as opposed to separately, miserably, and apart,” Barreca said.
There’s even an old saying in English literature that Barreca compares aging to.
“You don’t want to be mutton dressed as lamb—the idea is you don’t want to try and imitate what you’re not, you want to try and value what you are,” she said.
After all, age can come with certain benefits. Like having older children start to do things for you instead of the other way around. This is an option some older men may not have because they are still able to have kids, but is also a reason why they might still be seen as youthful as they get older, says Barreca.
“I mean do most of us really think that’s such a great idea?” Barreca asked. “Like, ‘yeah we’re really happy when 78-year-old guys decide to become first time dads.’”
Although it may seem like women start to become invisible as they get older, Barreca says the trade-off is that they become more audible.
“You might not be looking at us, but you hear us. We find our voices, we go back in some way to capture the freedom that many women lost in girlhood,” Barreca said.
With many years getting to know yourself, you become an expert on yourself, and start to know exactly what you want to say in situations you may not have before, says Barreca.
But if aging is something you worry about, keep in mind that no matter your numeric age, your spirit can stay as young as it likes, particularly if you keep your sense of humor.
“The plan of life is to make sure that the absurdities of the world as they are, are something that you feel you can play with, that you can mock, that you can circle around and have various perspectives on without letting them corrupt your sense of pleasure and joy in the world. Every day is funny.”